To the person who has issues with their family. When it comes to things like this I would hate to tell you what to do. Each family is different and the way you deal with your family issues is another thing. I don’t want to offend anyone or their values, but if your family is abusive and controlling you need to stand up for yourself somehow.
For me, it took a lot to finally say FUCK IT. For 19 years of my life I went through 80% hell (40% torture with verbal abuse, 40% physical abuse),10% happiness, and 10% realization that I am a fucking human being. For 15 years my biggest and boldest goals were to make my grandparents proud since they raised me since I was 2. I never wanted to make them sad. I did everything they asked me to do. I even accomplished tasks that were even tough for me to complete. I don’t want to get into much detail of the things I was forced to do, but it was not great.
During my first year of high school I received the impression that i was old enough to get a job and pay for some things on my own. So i started off working 1 job during my Freshmen year. For me, work and school has always been better than being at home. My life at home was just HELL. By my 3rd year in high school I was working two jobs. By senior year and now I am consistently working 3 jobs sometimes a 4th job to support myself and my grandparents.
After my first year in college I realized that my life can be so much more than just the money that I was making. The adults in my life have planted a seed in my brain to strongly believe that money buys you the world. NOT TRUE. I was very dissatisfied with my life when I noticed that work and school was my permanent routine. Every penny I made was handed over to my grandma until one day I realize that I need some of that for myself for some necessities. When that day comes where I only share part of my paychecks to her she went ballistic. I started to learn that money was the only thing that made my grandmother happy. I became tired and frustrated about work, school, and family. I rejected a full scholarship to UCSD to stay home and help support my grandparents, while they treated me like shit. The older I got there were more responsibilities that I had to fulfill. School, books, car insurance, gas, etc. Meaning the less money I was able to put on the table created bitterness and tensions between my family and myself.
One day I got to the point where I just said “fuck this shit.” I packed my bags the night of February 12th 2011 and moved out of the house. I never looked back. I can say that within a year, I have accomplished so much. I worked 4 jobs to keep myself busy and went to school full time. I had no time to think about the negative things that painfully zapped through my brain. I was heart broken, but I had to do what I needed to do for myself. I needed to be selfish for a while. After 6 months of being on my own I was able to finance and maintain my own car. Although I can’t really say that it is all mine until I pay off my car, it is A big accomplishment that was not as easy as I had imagined. After one year of renting out a room for $400 a month, I moved out into my apartment which was 3.5 times the rent I was paying before, but I am satisfied.
I tried so many times to go back to my family and visit and try ti rebuild broken relationships, but they are not understanding. they probably never will. I guess its just too late. I know that me being disobedient and rebellious for once in my life has left a scar on my family, but I felt like it was something I had to do before I decided to kill myself. I am starting to come to a conclusion that I have lost my family. They are disappointed to see me slowly succeed. To see me going up in life….. :(
